This post was written mainly for April Cools' Club 2024.

Before you read

This is a personal post. It's not about tech, or code, or anything like that. It's very uncommon for me to expose myself to the world in such a manner, so if you're not interested, I completely understand. I'll be back to my regular programming soon.

This is a letter to the things that have made me what I am. It's a personal reflection on the things that have shaped me, and the things that I've shaped. It might come across as cringy or overly stream-of-thought, but it's what I felt like writing, and gods be damned, this is my site and I'll write whatever the hell I please.

The lowest point

Our story starts not at the beginning, but somewhere in the middle. A now oft-forgotten and conveniently ignored time. It was not a good period for me. I'd lost a lot of friends, whether through my actions or theirs, or perhaps just time. I was lonely, and hurting.

I'd never properly experienced any form of romance at this point, and to me, that was a big deal. I thought I'd end up alone and miserable, and reflecting on it now, this line of thinking would've only exacerbated the problem. I was halfway to becoming an incel, and I didn't even know it. (Spoiler alert: I didn't become one)

This sort of situation is not particularly unique among young folks, but I didn't have the proper state of mind to appreciate that. Looking back, there were some reasons things had proceeded this way; we'll get to that later.

Self fulfilling prophecies

A big part of this is often our own doing. We create our own reality through things called Automatic Negative Thoughts. Ever thought "Nah, I couldn't pull that off" immediately after considering doing something? That's an ANT. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it's a big part of why I was in the state I was in.

For the longest time, I was an isolationist. I kept an (emotional) distance from people, often convincing myself that they weren't really interested in me after all. There were other reasons for this behavior, but the primary one was mainly just fear due to previous negative interactions.

Positive emotional responses

It's a myth that therapy can "fix you". It's also a myth that you can "fix yourself". True, you can change how you behave and thing, but a large part of the journey requires an external factor.

Positive emotional responses are necessary to break the cycle of negative thoughts. This can come from a lot of places, but for me, it came in the form of an old friend from school. We'd lost touch for a while, but at the urging of my mother, I reached out to her.

It was an important time for her as well, and we both needed someone to talk to. What followed was a lot of positive interactions where we both learnt several things about ourselves.

Watersheds

Thanks to this completely random event, I was fortunate enough to reevaluate myself and other people. I still wonder what I would be doing if things went a different way.

No matter, we're in the present, and that's what counts.

A very interesting thing I learned about myself, and one of the important ways in which I re-examined myself, is that I have both ASD and ADHD to some extent. Coloquially, I'm "on the spectrum", neurodivergent, kooky, crazy or whatever have you.

The astonishing part is that people don't believe me when I tell them (not that I do so often).

Eggshells and feathers

Anyone who has met me irl knows that I have problems with harsh sounds, being touched, and take offense to all manner of textures and smells.

This is a hallmark of autism; sensory issues prevail across the population, whether understimulated or overstimulated. It's also the reason why preventing an autistic child from fidgeting is a very dumb thing to do. It's a way for them to stimulate themselves, and they aren't hurting anyone.

Similarly, people on the spectrum often have extreme anxiety in even minor social situations. This is often dismissed as "just being introverted".

I'd never been the first to approach any of my friends until much much later in life. I had (and still have) extreme difficulty holding eye contacts even with the people who are closest to me. It's funny because people think I'm not listening just because I don't hold eye contact with them.

Executive deadlines

The other half of the equation here is ADHD. The name is a bit of a misnomer; ADHD is not an attention disorder. It primarily impacts executive function and temporal sense.

Let me explain. People with ADHD have severe difficulty in dealing with anything to do with the future. This affects things such as sensory perception, temporal perspective, and future planning, and is intercorrelated with working memory, attention, and inhibitory control (all of which are impaired in some form or the other).

I had (and still do) great difficulty in planning things out for the future. A promise of things to come is entirely meaningless to me, I want it NOW. I often lose track of time, and only present a facade of competency through a complex timekeeping system (20 different alarms for the same event. Kek.).

Similarly, many ADHD folks have a lot of difficulty doing things that are not rewarding enough (neurologically speaking) for them. This can include things like studying, work, or even showing up on time to an appointment.

Transformations

It is not hyperbole to say that these discoveries have greatly changed the way I think and behave. They made me more tolerant and kinder as a person; not only for myself, but towards everyone.

I'd like to encourage anyone reading this to follow my footsteps. People's struggles are often invisible, and a little kindess goes a long way.

The road ahead

My journey is not over, there are always new things coming; but at this juncture in life, I am hopeful. I am hopeful that I can overcome the challenges of life and that there are more positive outcomes like this for anyone who's struggling.

I am profoundly grateful to everyone who's left a positive mark on me, and above all to the old friend from school, the love of my life.

To anyone I have hurt, I apologize deeply. There are times when I have done things I am not proud of and I still regret them often.

I find words failing me at this point, so I'll wrap up.

I encourage you to have conversations with the people closest to you. If you feel like you don't have anyone left, reach out to me. You've got a believer in me.

Adios, and much love.

Amogh